The Merry Go Round

I might come off as sounding too mainstream but, I had a day of serenity. Countless thoughts pounding amidst my mind. Many tough choices to be made & habits to be changed but, the hell do I know where to start with it.

For living in the speedball city like Mumbai for over three years, It goes without saying that I’ve experienced more than I could have hoped for but this city of red and green signals made me learn a very practical yet vital lesson that even though was also chanted to us, was always ignored or lost in vain. It is that, time stands still for no one and no matter how dark life can be, It always slacks you with a bag full of reasons to keep moving forward. You might have a strain of stumbles but walking back fearless is all upto your strengths.

To not be philosophical and realistic, I lead a moderately tough life. I have more to complain then to cherish or await, but I still have this profound yet intriguing life with a lovely family, a more than understanding partner(Girlfriend didn’t seem apt), a whole bunch of friends that make time fly at the pace of light along with the convenience one could suffice with. College is about to end, where to go and what to do is a question that is beyond me. I do have a backup, I also feel like I am doing moderately well right here, in the city of dreams. I don’t question the survival here, I also know there’s never less to grasp and learn but I also have this feeling in my gut that maybe going back home is the righteous choice. After working and unleashing the qualities I procured, I have this thriving urge or you may also call it hunger, for more. To grow more, achieve more and never stopping climbing up the cliff. Many hope for how I feel but a handful turn it into a need and strike towards it. As the ‘need’ of relentless hunger hikes, there also evolves a succeeding necessity of putting on the big man boots and guarding my family with a bubble of bliss and solace. Besides having that gluttony of jumping trains, the little things, the one’s that affect you right in the heart can furnish you absolution something incomparable.

And yet the contemplating question stands: Where to direct the horses and ride to.

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One Last Leg

Dear Dad,

It’s been a month now but the world seems to have forgotten that I lost you. Or well, they just choose to ignore it or avoid mentioning it to make me feel better.

They say that when a person goes away, the first thing you forget about them is their voice. I don’t think I concur to that. I still hear your voice all the time at the back of my head. I can even now hear you say, ‘I love you and I’m proud of you. I miss you and Prathna a lot and I’m only living to keep your two happy’. Every morning when I open my eyes, my heart breaks.

The truth is, I haven’t accepted the fact that you are away from me now. I remember times when we didn’t talk for weeks, this just feels like one of those times. Or maybe it’s because I never got to mourn your death. Never got to be alone, cry out loud or vent about the sea of regrets and self loathing I am sailing in. Never got to be the weak one when I was nothing but weak. Never got to outburst and pour my heart out to anyone. All my life, I thought you were weak and that made me stronger when I put my energies against you but turns out, you are the strongest man I’ve ever known. You fought through hell and forth with no one to look after or over you but yet you lived and did everything you could to keep us happy. I’m not that strong dad. I don’t think I can ever be.
You know the family and friends keep asking me to be strong. To do the right thing being the man of the house. The fuck do I know what the right thing is! I am just a kid who lost his father and then learnt that whatever he assumed about his father was an absolute lie and he wasted all the years he had trying to despise the man he should have been worshiping and following.

I know the responsibilities I hold now. I also know it has tons of weightage but what I don’t know is how to get over this and even move forward to taking up those responsibilities. You know earlier, I took awful pride in the fact that I’ve come so far ahead at my age, the knowledge I hold even surprises many at times. I thought I had my wish list ready to be fulfilled but life is no sunshine and rainbows, right? Now I just don’t see the value in any of it because my own father didn’t know how far his son has gone trying to mark his own space. He never knew his son more than the disrespectful arrogant brat he was. Believe it or not, I always thought about you. I was worried sick too. The mountain of complications and issues we had were impeccable yet I always did plan to work hard and get you a better life, despair of  how deep down the drain our relationship stands. You know I always pictured this, if I was to be married or have any success come my way, you would be probably be the happiest in the whole wide world. I can picture the exact expression you’d have on your face. Overwhelmed would be an understatement because you’d be shouting out to the world on the highest peak you could have found of how sparkling and overjoyed you are.

I miss you, Dad… The pain never goes away. The trying were real and true but the conclusion remained unturned. I can’t forgive myself or even speak of how ashamed I am of myself. It begs me to question the man I am because a man you shower your love on can be nothing be a delightful sunshine that spreads happiness and joy around the world, but sadly I am not that guy. I also blame myself for what happened. When you called the night before, I had this odd feeling in my gut. It said to me that It is now or never. I know it’s not possible but I felt it. That anxious feeling you have when you know that something is going to go south but you’re clueless as to what? I felt it.

I still look back to all the times that I disrespected you, to say the least. I can’t imagine the amount of pain and sorrow I caused you when you wanted nothing but the best for me. It’s as though I had a gift given by god and I not only threw it away but exploited it in ruthless ways that one couldn’t even phantom.

There’s no easy way to say this Dad. I love you beyond compare and I miss you something fierce.

Even though I never knew the man you were, you saved me. You didn’t just do your job at parenting, you did unconditionally without hesitation every step of the way. It became your life goal and you achieved in every single day till  the 3rd of March, 2016. There’s no doubt that you aren’t looking above us because, my father would move mountains, turn the moon and back and still not stop looking after his children. I can never imagine what you went through all those long years dad. Just thinking about the minute parts tears me apart into shreds. I am not in a state to do the best I can as of this moment, to be honest. I’m like a clueless boat that lost its way and is cruising along the way waiting for the sea to direct me to the right path, but I will find my way out. I will make you prouder than ever. I consent that come what may, I will celebrate the little things like you did, I will see the better in people even if no one does, and most of all, I will keep mom and the little one the happiest they can be.

Yours truly,

Son