It’s been a month now but the world seems to have forgotten that I lost you. Or well, they just choose to ignore it or avoid mentioning it to make me feel better.
They say that when a person goes away, the first thing you forget about them is their voice. I don’t think I concur to that. I still hear your voice all the time at the back of my head. I can even now hear you say, ‘I love you and I’m proud of you. I miss you and Prathna a lot and I’m only living to keep your two happy’. Every morning when I open my eyes, my heart breaks.
The truth is, I haven’t accepted the fact that you are away from me now. I remember times when we didn’t talk for weeks, this just feels like one of those times. Or maybe it’s because I never got to mourn your death. Never got to be alone, cry out loud or vent about the sea of regrets and self loathing I am sailing in. Never got to be the weak one when I was nothing but weak. Never got to outburst and pour my heart out to anyone. All my life, I thought you were weak and that made me stronger when I put my energies against you but turns out, you are the strongest man I’ve ever known. You fought through hell and forth with no one to look after or over you but yet you lived and did everything you could to keep us happy. I’m not that strong dad. I don’t think I can ever be.
You know the family and friends keep asking me to be strong. To do the right thing being the man of the house. The fuck do I know what the right thing is! I am just a kid who lost his father and then learnt that whatever he assumed about his father was an absolute lie and he wasted all the years he had trying to despise the man he should have been worshiping and following.
I know the responsibilities I hold now. I also know it has tons of weightage but what I don’t know is how to get over this and even move forward to taking up those responsibilities. You know earlier, I took awful pride in the fact that I’ve come so far ahead at my age, the knowledge I hold even surprises many at times. I thought I had my wish list ready to be fulfilled but life is no sunshine and rainbows, right? Now I just don’t see the value in any of it because my own father didn’t know how far his son has gone trying to mark his own space. He never knew his son more than the disrespectful arrogant brat he was. Believe it or not, I always thought about you. I was worried sick too. The mountain of complications and issues we had were impeccable yet I always did plan to work hard and get you a better life, despair of how deep down the drain our relationship stands. You know I always pictured this, if I was to be married or have any success come my way, you would be probably be the happiest in the whole wide world. I can picture the exact expression you’d have on your face. Overwhelmed would be an understatement because you’d be shouting out to the world on the highest peak you could have found of how sparkling and overjoyed you are.
I miss you, Dad… The pain never goes away. The trying were real and true but the conclusion remained unturned. I can’t forgive myself or even speak of how ashamed I am of myself. It begs me to question the man I am because a man you shower your love on can be nothing be a delightful sunshine that spreads happiness and joy around the world, but sadly I am not that guy. I also blame myself for what happened. When you called the night before, I had this odd feeling in my gut. It said to me that It is now or never. I know it’s not possible but I felt it. That anxious feeling you have when you know that something is going to go south but you’re clueless as to what? I felt it.
I still look back to all the times that I disrespected you, to say the least. I can’t imagine the amount of pain and sorrow I caused you when you wanted nothing but the best for me. It’s as though I had a gift given by god and I not only threw it away but exploited it in ruthless ways that one couldn’t even phantom.
There’s no easy way to say this Dad. I love you beyond compare and I miss you something fierce.
Even though I never knew the man you were, you saved me. You didn’t just do your job at parenting, you did unconditionally without hesitation every step of the way. It became your life goal and you achieved in every single day till the 3rd of March, 2016. There’s no doubt that you aren’t looking above us because, my father would move mountains, turn the moon and back and still not stop looking after his children. I can never imagine what you went through all those long years dad. Just thinking about the minute parts tears me apart into shreds. I am not in a state to do the best I can as of this moment, to be honest. I’m like a clueless boat that lost its way and is cruising along the way waiting for the sea to direct me to the right path, but I will find my way out. I will make you prouder than ever. I consent that come what may, I will celebrate the little things like you did, I will see the better in people even if no one does, and most of all, I will keep mom and the little one the happiest they can be.